How’d this happen?

Rails

So I’m not really sure how I’m at where I’m at and why its so awesome.

Big news in my life is that my company had to layoff about 20% of our staff, which meant 4 really talented people from our engineering team got fired on Monday.  My boss then writes me in an email that the a huge portion of the company is riding on me and my team (i.e. me, Fernand and Nate) to really make the company succeed.  And that is a little scary but also totally kick ass.  On one hand I’m a little surprised that I didn’t get the axe this week, but on the other hand I fucking rock and maybe its my attitude that’s seen me through this.

Its hard having to see people that i respect and look up to get fired.  Its like I got chosen for the kickball team b/c the captains are betting that what I provide is more valuable than what the other people who didn’t get picked provide. Weird.

So I’m sitting here looking back at life over the past few years going “wow what a fucking crazy ride” and sure its not “i’m touring the world with a band a djing” kinda crazy, which would have, or could still be really cool, but I somehow have built a career out of pretty much nothing to the point where people are betting on me to make shit work for them.

At the same time I have a pretty awesome living situation with people who actually are in similar boats as me and to boot I get along with and actually hangout with AND can talk to about work (believe me girlfriends don’t want to hear about programming and design) AND who are into the same kind of art and music shit that I’m into.  Awesome.

I feel like the life I’ve wanted to live has presented itself to me.  And a lot of the lives that I was trying to live in the past few years never felt quite right and now this, this finally feels like me.  Life is being lived solely for me.  The breakup this summer was really crazy and hard to deal with but really, I’m glad it happened.  Looking back at some pictures tonight I wasn’t in that relationship for the right reasons even though I was happy, I wasn’t as happy as I am now.  And I have to know that I can be happy and at ease with who I am and with what I love about life and that there are people who will respect and appreciate me for that.

So where I am now is just so awesome.  I mean I got a big big big wake up call this week that my job can disapear over-fucking-night and that the only reason I’ll have a job going forward is because of my hard work and that I’m smarter and more talented than the rest of the world, and I am, I’ll tell you all about it. Not to say that I don’t have people that I greatly respect, Tim Pease, who got fired, being one of them, but wow, this whole shit is up to me to put in the work and be smart enough to do shit right the first(ish) time.

I want to thank the people that have helped shape me and put me where I am right now.  First my mom, for always pushing me to keep an open mind and have fun, and for my dad for always throwing me into situations I didn’t think i was ready for and forcing me to grow by “sink or swim” oh and he’s a smart mother fucker, I love you, and hate you sometimes, but really, thank you.  Also to the few women that have been a serious part of my life for the last 6 years, thank you for putting up with me and putting up with my whining and my never thinking i’m good enough, seriously, it had to be rough.

So yeah, life’s pretty freaking real right now and pretty freaking unreal in a lot of good ways.  The future is bright and shining with a thunderstorm on the horizon, good thing I have big ass sunglasses and an umbrella.

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